Why I hate ClassPass.

Here’s the thing: It’s hard enough learning how to be a quasi adult in NYC. There’s a lot of concepts that start getting thrown around at you all of a sudden when you’re around 25 -26 years old in this city. Like I’m supposed to just wake up one morning with no dishes in the sink, to texts that I am completely OK with from the Bumble guy I’m dating (Are we even dating? Are we just hooking up?), with food to bring to work for lunch that I cooked (i.e. not New England Clam Chowder from Hale & Hearty) so I can save money and LinkedIn messages already sent to future HR contacts that haven’t yet had the opportunity to crush my dreams, but will be able to one day soon.

So I try to gain some control over these uncertainties by going to the gym. Look good, feel good? Right? Enter ClassPass.

If you’re unfamiliar, I’m sure you’ve heard those girls that you hate at work talk about it before. You know who I’m talking about. They live in Gramercy, Flatiron, or Chelsea. They went to a state school and can be found in the Marketing/PR or HR department of your company. They’re either in great shape or could stand to lose 20 lbs and you can’t figure out why they’re still fat and why the mere sight of them puts you in a bad mood. These are the people that I take classes with. These are not your friends.

ClassPass is a monthly membership that allows you access to some of the city’s best gyms for $125 per month. You have the opportunity to take up to 10 classes per month at any of the member studios whether that be a HIIT class at Barry’s Bootcamp, sculpting at Pure Barre, a spin class a Flywheel, a Muay Thai class at Five Points Academy, or anything else you can find on their portal, with new gyms added every month or so. I joined in 2013 when it was $99/mo. and really, really loved it. It was exciting and fun and a really great value proposition at $10 per class compared to any of the studios that charge typically between $30-45 for a single class.

Yet, if you like having fun in other aspects of your life, ClassPass will make you feel bad about yourself and also take all of your coins. Here’s why: They have a 12-hour cancellation period. To be fair, it used to be 24 hours, and they have since shortened their window. But it’s kind of like the Women’s Suffrage movement – thanks for letting us vote, but does that mean we’re okay with making $0.79 for every dollar paid to men now? No, keep fighting for that equal pay, girls. I need a 2-hour cancellation window.

This is New York. Nothing happens as planned here. Nothing happens as it should. And you just never know if staying in and ordering Seamless on Friday night is what you should be doing, or if it’s really shots of Fireball that you need. How can you ever be sure about anything when you’re this age?

For example, I may think I’m going to a yoga class one night after work at 6:30pm. But maybe at 6:15 I get a call from my sister that she has an extra ticket to a bullriding competition with an open bar at MSG that starts at 7. What do I do then, ClassPass? Not go, cancel the class and pay the stupid $15 late-cancellation fee? Why are you charging me? I’m trying to live my life out here.

Or what if on one Thursday night, I go to Happy Hour with my friends from work, get a little too drunk and forget to cancel my Friday morning, Y7 Hip-Hop Yoga class? Why does ClassPass deduct $20 from my almost-overdrawn Chase checking account? Don’t they know that I just paid my rent AND my Student fucking Loan that day. Why are they trying to hurt me?

Not to mention they have terrible customer service: I had one instance where I was incorrectly charged $20 instead of $15 and they refused to fix the charge. Six emails were exchanged between me and a CX associate named Dominique over $5. And still, I have no abs to show for it.

So, ClassPass, I hate you. Now I have to figure out another way to tone my ass before Coachella, in the city that never sleeps, with no boyfriend and no money. So, thanks.

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