How to Online Date: Guys Edition

I want to be clear from the jump – this is not a guide about how to get a girlfriend, nor is this a guide about how to get girls to sleep with you. What this is, is a quick guide that will guarantee girls actually meet up with you for a drink, and if you’re lucky this will lead to them sleeping with you sometime in the near future.

Let’s talk about the two most important components of this whole online dating game:  your photos and your bio. These are critical. These are really all we have in this lifetime. And believe it or not, they are a package deal. As girls, we have an important role in this game and we have to do it in 15 seconds or less. We have to make sure that the guy is attractive, has a decent job and is tall.

Of course, we’ll never know the truth about you until we meet you in person, but you may never have the chance to meet us irl unless we’re 92% sure of your job, your height, and your hair/beard length, beforehand.

Now let’s get started with the most important component – your photos. Obviously, they reign supreme. I don’t know how else to say this, but your pics really need to be bangin. It’s 2016. We have Instagram AND Snapchat now and we basically just scroll through pictures of sexy-ass people all day long. You need to be on your A-game and you need to not have moobs. Moobs are man-boobs. Moobs are what you get when you don’t go to the gym. You need to be in the gym 4x-a-week and you need to follow these three basic photo rules to help you get a quick right-swipe.

  1. Have at least 4 photos of yourself and no more than 5, unless you look incredible in all of them.

Reason: You don’t need six photos if two of them are from three years ago when you were 15 lbs heavier and two-weeks overdue for an already bad haircut. Maybe you thought you were crushing life in 2013, but you didn’t look good. Keep it on Facebook where it belongs.

2. Just like your college application, it is important to appear well-rounded. Use your photos to give us range. Show us who you are.

Reason: We’re trying to picture ourselves on the 3rd month of dating you before we even talk to you. We’re looking at your photo and in our minds it’s December 13th of later this year – we’re at some awkward Christmas party hosted by a friend of ours, who we both don’t really even really like, and we’re deciding whether you could be a good fit for us. All of this is based off of a photo of you day-drinking in your American flag trunks in Montauk last summer. Does this sound crazy? It might, a little. But if we see quality photos of you doing things you love and a leading a seemingly fun life, we are way more inclined to swipe right and go on a date with you.

3. Order in this court! You can’t just upload 4-5 photos all willy-nilly, now. The order of your photos is almost as important as what they represent. See below:

Photo #1: Full-body shot of you by yourself facing the camera.

Photo #2: You with a friend or group of friends, living the dream (order interchangeable w/ photo # 3.)

Photo #3: You wearing a suit – it can be at a wedding or some similar life event, as long as it’s not your wedding (order interchangeable w/ photo # 2.)

Photo #4: You playing a sport, preferably shirtless, or in form-fitting clothing. (Note: Playing a sport does not equate to a gym selfie. Those do not belong here, either.)

So why is order so important here? It’s likely that you’re the 2nd or 3rd most attractive dude in your friend group. Maybe you haven’t thought about this before, but take a second now… I’ll wait. Are you the most empirically good-looking guy in this group photo? If you use it as your 1st photo, girls will assume that you’re the tall, broad-shouldered one with the great head of hair, only to be let down when they get to photo #2 or #3 and find out you’re the less attractive one. And it will be a shame, because you’re probably a really handsome guy! Just do yourself a favor and lead with the picture of you by yourself, solo-dolo. Oh, and if you’re the tall, broad-shouldered one with the good hair…call me. (Jk.) But seriously, please observe the photo order above, and call me.

Your bio:

Alright, the other component to online dating is your bio. Now, this might be an awkward place for you. You might currently have this area blank. You might not care about it or you might not know what to say here. You might be like, “What do I say here? I hate writing bios.” Tbh writing bios is usually not a fun activity. However, this is online dating. Use this opportunity to get creative up in this bitch. This is really where you can be yourself and reel in the ladies. Unlike with the photos, there is one simple rule for your bio, making all the others merely suggestions: State your height.

It can be in centimeters it can be in feet and inches. There might be other measurements I’m not familiar with (which you can also use.) Just please say how fcking tall you are.

You don’t have to be 6’3” to get a date. You are allowed to be 5’8”. I promise -girls will still want to bang you! We just need to know how tall you are, like yesterday. It’s biological. If you say nothing else in your bio or accomplish nothing extraordinary in your whole life, just say this one thing and you’ll be fine.

OK – some other things that will help your swipeability (merely suggestions) are talking about where you currently live, one or two things you enjoy, and something you’re looking for. If you write out all these AND also happen to make it short and funny, you’re looking at a major come up in your dating game.

Here’s an example of a good bio below:

5’11”, NYC, tech world, into fitness but not obsessed with it, looking for someone to eat tacos with – the Seamless minimums are high and becomingly increasingly harder to justify for one person.

This is the perfect length. You can play around with bullets, lists, or even emojis, if you feel so inclined. Just don’t make it a novel, because no one cares. Less is always more. Be sincere. Don’t be creepy. And if you’re not going to be tall, make sure you’re rich. These are just life lessons at this point.

That’s the online dating guide. Do you have questions about any of the above? It’s really all about the pics and the bio, ppl. If you follow this guide, you will be on your way to a lot more sex in just a few weeks. When in doubt, ask one of your closest female friends to help you screen your pics and bio. You two probably already have a weird sexual tension thing happening, anyway, and one of you is too nervous to make the first move.

This will help.

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